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Bike Warning Label
( thanks heidi )
WATCH FOR MORE NEW JOKES COMING SOON!
GRANDPA DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING
Hunter was 4 years old and staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same
bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse."
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other
kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom
wants to talk to you.
thanks roosta
NOTICE
The Southeastern meeting for P>40WHNUTNW (people over 40 who have not used the ‘N’ word) will be held in the phone booth at the corner of Peachtree Street and Ponce de Leon Avenue in Atlanta on Monday. We apologize for the size of the accommodations but a smaller venue could not be secured.
BLONDE JOKE?
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba,
"but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
( thanks coni)
CRUDE JOKES FOR GUYS!
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out!.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy ...not a fucking photo-copier."
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired,
I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
(thanks Ira)
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies
This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely
exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas??
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did you bring him home
without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."
(thanks Ira)
Ear Infection?
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not? You asked me what was
wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose.
(thanks Randy)
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
(thanks coni)
You know the honeymoon is over, when the comedians start
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
David Letterman
THE PIRATE
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look like shit."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit"...............
The pirate says....... "It was my first day with the hook."
(thanks roosta)
BRILLIANT IDEA
This is absolutely brilliant!
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
Man - I love it when a plan comes together!
(thanks ira)
PERVERT CALLING
The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
(thanks coni)
SHORTEST ESSAY CONTEST
This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humor.
A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion
2) Royalty
3) Physical Disability
4) Racism
5) Homosexuality
The prize-winner wrote: "My God," cried the Queen, "that one-legged nigger is a queer."
( thanks jan)
LET'S OFFEND EVERYBODY!
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I helped my grand daughter study for her Biology exam last Friday. She was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
( thanks joker )
Today's Quote
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes, food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and some Air Jordan's and he'll vote Democrat for the rest of his life.
(thanks joker)
The Difference between Grampa and Grandma
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
...
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
( thanks Ira )
Male logic
Hard to argue this logic......
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid".
You never hear a guy say " It would be nice to have another kick in the nuts"!
Case closed.
(thanks joker)
SELLING MY STUFF IF I DIE
The older you are, and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is...........
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful,sitting around the breakfast table
when I said to her unexpectedly,
"when I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do that?" she asked.
"i figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry, and
I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said:
"what makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
(thanks roosta)
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
(thanks joker)
POST TURTLE
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the squeeze
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the
topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know,
Obama is a 'Post Turtle.'Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him,
what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road
And you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain."You know he
didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's
up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot
put him up there to begin with."
( THANKS JOKER )
IT FIGURES
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters... explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch...
( THANKS BOB )
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR ...THE ...LAST...TIME ...
"BRING POSSE!"
( thanks Jan )
CAJUN FUNERAL
Three friends from Church Point, Louisiana were asked,
"When you in your casket, and your friends and church
members are mourning over you, what would you like
dem to say?"
Thibodeaux said: "I would like dem to say, I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."
Fontenot commented: "I would like dem to say, I was
a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made
a huge difference in people's lives."
Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!'"
(thanks jan)
MY DAUGHTER
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to St. Vinnies, sell my car, take my front door key, throw me out of the house and cut me out of your will."
Well, she didn't actually put it like that: what she said was, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
( Thanks Steve )
Two good ol' boys up in the Kentucky hills were sitting on the front porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, after getting off of work at the local coal mine.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your house Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know 'bout kin, but it'd make us even."
(thanks Joker)
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on
top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she pretty?'
'Dunno...Never found the head!'
(thanks Bob)
Boudreaux goes to court
In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by an 18-wheeler that ran a stop sign.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux: Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State Policeman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a State Policeman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you say?!"
(thanks joker)
$100.00
A Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal
authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President..
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
( thanks mike )
Stamp malfunction
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of
President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in
congressional spending, a special Presidential commission
presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect
order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are
spitting on the wrong side.
( thanks magoo )
I KNOW THESE GUYS!
Two buddies, Bob and Phil, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Bob throws up all over himself.. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
|
Phil says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Bob stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Bob says, 'Nowaitaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty Bucks..'
'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
(thanks Bob)
STATISTICALLY (if not politically) CORRECT
In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six LA Hispanic Gang Bangers, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they died too.
A lone white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire,
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.....
The fire chief said, "They were at work."
(thanks joker)
WORDS OF WISDOM
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-John Adams
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And, if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
- PJ O’Rourke
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
- Mark Twain
( thanks sis )
FACELIFT
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a
newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
I am?'
About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says
happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's
asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The
woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She
stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again
she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is
going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire
way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go
ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and
begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces
and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay,....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was
incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get
mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.
(thanks joker)
The Shortest Fairy Tale, Ever....
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO! ,and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
(thanks buck)
Men can be such Bastards
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank? 'The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Men can be such Bastards........
(thanks joker)
The Redneck and the Gorilla
A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' tee-shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again agreed to this condition without hesitation.
"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist. The keeper willingly offered a guarantee on this condition.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
(thanks buck)
Muslim Immigrants
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'Muslim Immigrants'
and add a few more letters, it spells out- 'Fuck off and go home, you
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, benefit-grabbing,
smelly-assed, rag-headed pricks.'
How weird is that?
(thanks joey)
RIDDLE
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to
come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are
unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:
At the exact same
time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is
walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is
getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking
the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!!!
(thanks joker)
Quick Sex
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so
frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you.'
The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend,
She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him
for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get
his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What
happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed
( thanks joker )
THE DIFFERENCE
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama were walking down a Washington DC street
when they came upon a homeless man.
John McCain gave the man his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came upon another homeless person, she decided to help.
She walked over to him and gave him directions to the welfare office. Then she reached into John McCain's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless man $5.
When they came upon yet another homeless person, Barack told him to "have hope...change is coming...." and gave him nothing.
Now do you understand the difference?
( thanks Steve )
LOST WALLET
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to
make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana
border. 'May I see your identification, please?' asked the agent.' I'm
sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replied the guy. 'Sure, buddy, I hear that
every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said the agent. 'But I can prove
that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill Clinton
tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other.'This I
gotta see,' replied the agent.With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over
in front of the agent.'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Go on
home to New Orleans . ''Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from
New Orleans ?' The agent replied, 'I recognized the picture of Ray Nagin in
the middle.'
( thanks max )
ANNIVERSARY PRESENTS
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, 'You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.'
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, 'Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.'
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, 'Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.'
( thanks laurie )
BARKING DOG
Janice, a blonde and her husband Al, are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
Janice finally comes back up to bed and AL says, "The dog is still barking louder than ever, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it."
(thanks joker)
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
( thanks joker )
Zebra
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As
he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me
all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black
with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God
can answer." So the
zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God,
please - I must know.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black
with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more,
who asked him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for
you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply
said 'You are what
you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well
then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know
that for certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black
with white stripes,
God would have said, "You is what you is."
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton & Jesse
Jackson will be on your
ass in a heartbeat.
( thanks magoo )
NEWS FLASH
Former president Vincente Fox of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the
country."
(thanks joker)
New Rules For 2008 (Carlin)
New Rule #1
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule #3
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule #4
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule #5
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #6
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #7
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #8
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #9
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #10
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #11
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule #12
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #13
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #14
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule ( and this one is long overdue) #15
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #16
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months."? "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.? And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #17
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
(thanks joker)
Tiger Fan
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Alabama fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Alabama fans too.
Not really knowing what an Alabama fan was, but wanting to be liked by
their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception.
Susie has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not
an Alabama fan" she reports.
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm an LSU Tiger fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Susie why she is a LSU fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Tiger fans, so I'm a Tiger fan too" she
responds.
That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron,
and your dad was an idiot. "What would you be then?" the teacher asks.
Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be an Alabama fan."
(thanks steve)
FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
( thanks joker )
IF IT WAS ONLY THIS EASY
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.
Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-
size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so
striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge
if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat;
And I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed
that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began
following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he
began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the
group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began
squealing. He started to trot towards the
Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats
numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran
to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the
Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after
it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you
want for that little bronze Mexican over there."
(thanks magoo)
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"
Then he returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."
(thanks joker)
Potentially and realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for
a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and after that, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!"
The boy then asked his sister, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then asked his brother, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much
a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes sir ... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars--- but Realistically,.........we're living with two Sluts and
a queer.
( thanks coni )
SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?".
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?".
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
( thanks joker )
Blind man and blondes
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear
a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only
fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. . not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
(thanks jan)
Pheonix Pigeon
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.
The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was
full of pigeon droppings .
The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me $5 million and ask one question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up
into the bright blue Arizona sky.
All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind
the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew
southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall building. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and
the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix
of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no
fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the $5
million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
(thanks joker)
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blond genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blond genies.
One blond genie says to the other one, " I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me".
(thanks magoo)
DRUNKEN OBSERVATIONS
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her... With his two six packs of beer... watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since
she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,"Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct............ But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit"!
(thanks magoo)
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence! . Of course, the police caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
( thanks sis )
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.....you know, I just HATE drawing welfare; I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her Overseas vacation trips and also satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be Provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage with a starting salary of $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, " Yeah, well.........you started it."
( thanks joker )
Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways!
( thanks joker )
4 Women
( JOKE? OR NOT? )
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the hell are you doing ?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these dang things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn
from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for ?" asked the gal from Louisiana.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Louisiana opened the car door and pushed the
Mexican out.
( thanks ryan )
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
sheer drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same
speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangeroussituation?
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're drunk!!!
( thanks jan )
WORDS OF WISDOM
Two guys from Kenner are quietly sittin' in a boat in
Lake Ponchartrain fishing and suckin' down beer when suddenly
Boudreaux says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't
spoken to me in over 2 months."
Thibodeaux sips his beer and says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
( thanks ralph )
( embellished slightly )
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately.
Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking
humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a
win-win-win situation:
1) Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2) Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans.
3) Put the Florida gators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
( thanks magoo )
THE DRUNK
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time
I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the
hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in
and says...
"You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
( thanks joker )
Grandma Doesn't Know Everything
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! ... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
(thanks max)
Golf Story
Bob approached the clerk behind the counter in the pro shop and said,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The clerk behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
Bob anxiously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your #3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, Bob pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
Delighed, turned to the robot and thank ed him for his assistance. As Bob pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, Bob decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the clerk behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
Bob excitedly stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, Bob returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to Bob and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, Bob cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The clerk sighed and said, "Well, Bob it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
Bob said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The clerk nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."
(thanks jeanne)
IT FIGURES
A divorcee in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink.
One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed into her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither look, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece
of chocolate. Show me what young black boys do best."
So he beat her up and stole her stereo !!!!
(thanks sikki)
The Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
there he takes off
his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond
walks by,and the
man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did
you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have
his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy
man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?"
says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins
him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
(thanks ????)
THE IRS and RALPH
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.
Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way!
It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could
come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be
happy about it."
( thanks donnie )
Mississippi Boy
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to
pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Mississippi boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that
we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
( thanks magoo )
St Peter is manning the Pearly Gates when forty "chocolate"
people from New Orleans show up.
Never having seen any one from the Big Easy at
heaven's door, St Peter says that he will have to
check with God.
God instructs him to admit the ten most virtuous
people from the group. A few minutes later St. Peter
returns to God breathless and
says "They're gone! They're gone!".
"What? All the New Orleaneans are gone?"
says God.
"No". replies St Peter; "The Pearly Gates are gone!"
( thanks jan )
While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills,
a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting
members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
(thanks max)
DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
( thanks sis )
HOLY YARDBIRD?
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually
aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans. The interviewer
was a woman from a Boston affiliate, so she asked the interviewee
how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area
had affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other peoples but
we gets our chicken from Popeye's".
( thanks tank )
THE NIGHT AFTER KATRINA
When down on Canal St. the looters dey came
The po-lice had seen dem and called dem by name
STOP! Melvin, Shaneekwa, Chantel and Joe Brown
Laroy and Rickita, put dem shoes down.
Da baskets dey loaded as fast as dey could
While big screens was rollin on back to da hood
Shoes, electronics, fur coats and rings
All de essential survival things.
From de east and de west da levees separated
An da peoples had wished dey had evacuated
Da water poured in like Dixie beer foam
And da hood emptied in to da Superdome.
Dey crapped an dey pillaged an da Dome went to hell
It'll take 10 years to get rid of da smell.
But it's not like cleaning da Dome affects us
Since dem Saints is gone to San Antonio, Texas.
Soon after Aaron Broussard clearly started to drink
An Kathleen Blanco needed her time to think
Da forces finally came to help out da cops
Wit dere M-16's up on da roof tops.
Dey were poppin da ganstas like da hooka's pop gum
An tossin dem into da river like chum
St. Gabriel was not dere eternal slumber
An dey never made da body count number.
No longer to walk among civilization
Dey now a part of coastal restoration
So when ya open up oysters, instead of pearls
You'll find little gold teeth and Geri curls.
An da ones dat was bussed to other states
An places where da Red Cross facilitates
Are waiting around for dere FEMA checks
An demandin everything else dey expects.
You can call em mooches.
You can call em no good
But dey ain't comin back to your neighborhood
To all you evacuees and your plight
Hope you like TEXAS...
An to all a good night.
Cyanide
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you canNOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
( thanks joker )
YIKES
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
( thanks Rob )
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
( thanks "Dwayne" )
TARZAN & JANE
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
( thanks ? )
Living on the Gulf Coast
YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING ON THE GULF COAST WHEN:
You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.
You have more than 20 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 10 cans of Spaghetti-Os.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
You are delighted to pay only $3 for a gallon of unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a "No-wake Zone"
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the
least bit guilty about it.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; Today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 5-pound catfish.......in your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowners' insurance
policy.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at
the Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
( thanks Coni )
O
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
She said, "Mr. Burns how do you carry so much energy with you? You are
always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I
do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I
have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour .You hold my testicles in your
left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty
minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My,
Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my
testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in
thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Tell me, does me holding you like that kind of recharge you
batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole
my wallet".
( thanks joker )
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What
does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look
for yours."
( thanks Jeanne )
FIRST PITCH?
Bill and Senator Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first
row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head "no".
The agent then says, "Mr. Past President, it was an unanimous request of
the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people
want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,"Bill you "!^$#@&!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and
waving to the crowd.He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!
I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH !"
( thanks joker )
Snow confusion
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so
the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
park..."
Then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the snowplows can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the
garage this time?"
( thanks joker )
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS . .. .. ..
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
( thanks Jan )
The Parrot
An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church
with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could
put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her
shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the
parrot looked around, squawked and said,
"It's damned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church
in total embarrassment!
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained
the embarrassing situation to the owner.
The owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and
swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder."
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure
enough just as the sermon started the parrot squawked,
"It's damned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung
him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty fuckin" windy, too."
(thanks joker)
GO FIGURE !
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and
asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
( thanks joker )
IMMIGRANTS
Two families move from India to America. When they arrive, the fathers
make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become
more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's
playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to
pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"
The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"
( thanks Coni )
POLITICAL DONATIONS?
A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so
he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself
on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and
the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2004. So
we're taking up a collection for her."
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."
( thanks Ralph )
A Nice Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have money for food," the first man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
"But how about my friend?"
The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir, I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
( thanks Joker )
BOUDREAUX ?
A cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with
two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Nah, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
( thanks Ralph )
MAKES SENSE TO ME !
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!"
( thanks Heidi )
The Cop & the Kid
There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety
violation and he said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top of it!"
( thanks Coni )
THE CUCKOO
One night, a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight...."I promise!"she said. Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh Shit!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, and then farted."
( thanks Joker )
YUCK !
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and
serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and
his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's an asshole!"
( thanks Jeanne )
COACHES
The coaches in St. Landry parish went to a coaches retreat and
to save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to
make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.
Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair
a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?" He
say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night."
Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?
You look awful!" He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I
watch him all night."
Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright
eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all." They can't believe! They
say, "Man, what happened?" He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and
tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night
long.
( thanks Coni )
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE !
True Story; only in Louisiana; only a Cajun could think of
this.... From a south Louisiana parish where drunk driving is
considered a sport, comes this true story.----
Recently, during a a routine police patrol, an officer parked
outside of a Lafayette street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed like an eternity and after trying his keys on
five different vehicles, the man finally managed to find his car and promptly
fell into it! He was there for a few minutes gathering his thoughts as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched
the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on and
off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle
forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a
few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and proceeded with a breathalyzer test.
To his shock and amazement the breathalyzer registered a big zero
indicating no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer
said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
Obviously, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
SCIENTIFIC STUDY
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face that a woman
finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her
menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to
prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his
ass while he is on fire.
(thanks Ralph)
HMO ?
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she
passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's
disgraceful. Why is he doing that?" "The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but
this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do
that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said
the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex
on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
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